101 Things I Will Not Do If Exiled With Saavedro
by Sugary Snicket
Summary: What it says on the tin. 101 things you must NEVER do if you find yourself exiled with Saavedro. Trust me. I've learned from these mistakes already. If you want more of these, just give me some suggestions!


**101 Things I Must Not Do If Exiled With Saavedro**

1. However fun it may be, running around J'nanin like a squee on crack will not entertain Saavedro.

2. I must not use Saavedro's hammock to go cliff-diving in J'nanin or Voltaic.

3. I must never taunt Tamra in front of Saavedro.

4. I must never taunt Tamra behind Saavedro's back.

5. I must never taunt Tamra, period.

6. The hammer is not a toy.

7. The mobile is not a toy.

8. The hammock is not a toy.

9. No matter how much I want to, I must never hide inside the giant pitcher plant on Edanna, wait until Saavedro walks by, and pop out and yell "Boo!" His response will not be in my favor.

10. The lattice vine grate in Narayan is not there for me to climb on, and if I get stuck up there, Saavedro will not help me get down.

11. Saavedro will not help me if I make the unfortunate mistake of licking the ice shields in Narayan.

12. Contrary to popular belief, squee jerky tastes awful, and nothing I can do with Edannese spices can change this fact.

13. I must never pick on Saavedro when he is crying about his exile.

14. The words "Sirrus", "Achenar", "Atrus" and "D'ni" are swearwords, and using them at any time will get my left temple smashed into my right ear.

15. However much I want to, and no matter how much he needs one, I must never try to give Saavedro a hug.

16. Saavedro is not my new best friend, and he does not want a cookie.

17. Saavedro does not have a jar of dirt, and even if he did, he'd already know what would be inside of it.

18. Saavedro has no spoon, and even if he had one, it would not too big.

19. Saavedro is not Cheese, and I must never call him such.

20. Saavedro does not enjoy my nicknames for him. Rather, they get him very angry, and, like a certain enraged, green superhero; I wouldn't like him when he's angry.

21. I must never 'enhance' Saavedro's murals with my own painting skills, no matter how much I think they would improve the murals.

22. Saavedro does not want to ride the marble coaster on Amateria with me until we both puke. I will therefore stop asking him.

23. I will stop calling Saavedro my father.

24. I will stop calling Saavedro my best friend.

25. I will stop calling Saavedro emo.

26. I will never refer to Saavedro as my pet Narayani exile. He simply does not like to be reminded of his unfortunate position in such a way.

27. I must never poke Saavedro and say "bother!" in order to get his attention. The more I do this, the higher the chance that I will die.

28. Saavedro does not want to go on a "Magical Mystery Tour"; therefore, I will stop asking him if he does.

29. I must resist the urge to call Saavedro Brad Dourif, Chucky, Gríma Wormtongue, Lon Suder, or Billy Bibbit.

30. I must never, under any circumstances, run up to Saavedro whilst waving his journal and yell "I read your journal!" then laugh and run off. I will not get very far.

31. Painting a mustache and beard on Saavedro's portrait of Tamra is very cruel of me – not only will it make Saavedro very unhappy, it will eventually cause me great pain.

32. I must never, ever imitate Saavedro behind his back while he is ranting.

33. I must not cannonball into the lagoon on J'nanin with the intent of splashing Saavedro.

34. I must never push Saavedro into the J'nanin lagoon.

35. I must not egg and TP his tower in J'nanin and the surrounding area… more than once.

36. I do not know Narani, and Saavedro will not teach me it no matter how hard I beg.

37. Saavedro is married. I am too young for him. Therefore, I must not try to seduce him in any way, shape, or form.

38. Saavedro does not have chocolate. I must not keep badgering him for it.

39. I will not sing The Fun Song.

40. I will not sing The Emo Song.

41. I will not sing The Badger Song.

42. I will not sing Banana Phone.

43. I will not sing The Happy Song.

44. I will not sing Yellow Submarine.

45. I will not sing The Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerves.

46. I will not attempt to reenact anything from Monty Python in Saavedro's presence.

47. For my own safety, if Saavedro ever begins to have a severe breakdown of the mental kind, I must stay a far away from him as possible until he calms down.

48. If Saavedro ever grins at me psychotically and begins to speak to me in a dark tone, I must run very far away, very quickly.

49. Contrary to popular belief, throwing a squee at an enraged Saavedro will not distract him.

50. I must not bring a live squee into the lair and ask Saavedro if I can keep it.

51. No matter how awesome it would be, I must not beg Saavedro to bring me to Narayan with him if he finally gets home.

52. I may not ask Saavedro if it's 'hammer time' yet.

53. I may not call Saavedro Hammer Man, The Squee Whisperer, Monty Python, or MC Hammer.

54. I may not call Saavedro Iron Man.

55. I may not call Saavedro Santa Claus.

56. I may not paint all over the walls of Saavedro's lair with the excuse that I was merely decorating the walls.

57. I will not ask Saavedro if he regrets linking after the brothers. He probably does.

58. I may not quote the brothers around Saavedro.

59. I may not quote Atrus around Saavedro.

60. Saavedro does not own a pimp cane, and I must stop asking if he does.

61. I must not repeatedly ask Saavedro what the date is. He doesn't know, and if I keep asking, we will not be happy with me.

62. I must never call Saavedro The Blonde Jesus.

63. I will not ask Saavedro if he can walk on water.

64. I will never attempt to test if he can walk on water.

65. I must never sing show tunes around Saavedro, and I must resist the urge to do jazz hands at all costs.

66. Saavedro is not the long lost brother of Gríma Wormtongue, and I must never ask him if he is.

67. I must never call Saavedro a Hippie.

68. No matter how bored I get, I may not stand by/in the elevator and repeatedly send it up and down while saying, "And up. And down. And up. And down. And up…"

69. Saavedro does not want to sing A Cappella with me. I will therefore stop asking.

70. I must never call Saavedro ugly.

71. I must never swear at Saavedro.

72. I must never speak to Saavedro in false Narani. Contrary to popular belief, he will not appreciate this.

73. Saavedro does not want me to use his painting supplies to paint on him, especially while he's sleeping.

74. I must never place Saavedro's hand in a glass of water while he's sleeping in an attempt to embarrass him. The end result will not fare well for me.

75. Making funny faces at Saavedro will not amuse him.

76. I must not attempt to provide a 'sound track' for Saavedro's daily life. This includes making sad violin music noises when he is crying.

77. I am not allowed to yell "DUN-DUN-DUN!" after Saavedro says something dramatic during one of his insanity fits. He does not find it amusing.

78. I must never run around the lair while going "Whee!" as Saavedro finds this very annoying.

79. I may not stand on the turning thing near the water wheel in Voltaic and go "Whee!" while Saavedro is working on the generator below. Any other time, it's okay.

80. I am not allowed to leave the lair without Saavedro's permission.

81. While Saavedro is freaking out, I must never walk up to him and say, "Don't panic! You brought your towel, didn't you? 42!"

82. I must resist the urge to sneak up behind Saavedro while he is working and yell "Donald Duck!"

83. I will not pet Saavedro's dead squee armguard without his permission.

84. I will not pet Saavedro's dead squee armguard with his permission.

85. I will not pet Saavedro's dead squee armguard, period.

86. I must never, ever tell blonde jokes around Saavedro, as he is a blonde himself and is liable to get very, very angry with me...

87. Saavedro does not appreciate it when I squeal, "OMG, shoes!"

88. Similarly, I must never point to my shoes and say, "These shoes RULE!" then point to his sandals and say, "These shoes SUCK!"

89. I will stop calling Saavedro Spider-Man.

90. I will stop referring to Saavedro as the Phantom of J'nanin.

91. I will never, at any time, ask him to go get a haircut.

92. Giving Saavedro a surprise gift of a new squee armguard to replace his old one sounds like a grand idea. It isn't.

93. I am not allowed to play with the experiments on Saavedro's desk.

94. I am not allowed to drive the gondola in Narayan. Ever.

95. Switching the ice shields on Saavedro while he's down on the other floor or inspecting the gondola is a cruel prank that I must never attempt if I value my life.

96. I will stop referring to Saavedro's tapestry robe as The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

97. While hunting for food in Edanna, I must not throw a live snake at Saavedro in an attempt to scare him. Not only will Saavedro not like it, the snake will be pretty miffed, too.

98. I will not offer Saavedro a make-over.

99. I must never, ever glomp Saavedro.

100. I must never let Saavedro know that I think he has scary eyes. He _will_ use that fear against me.

101. If Saavedro and I ever manage to come to some sort of agreement, I must never attempt to cheat him out of something, stab him in the back, lie to him, or otherwise betray him. That is, if I value my life…


End file.
